Crapaper: The only news that concern us.

Girls Alert!

recently, there's been an outbreak of a new species of humans - Guys Awaiting Your Sympathy - or GAYS for short. this trend has been made worst with the singapore govt making National Service mandatory for all guys once they reach a certain age. Many have wondered why there is even the need for a defence force since singapore can hardly withstand a single bomb of military magnitude. and speculations often lead to answers, or "answers" at least. this is -of course- what crapaper thrives on.. "inaccurate news" but nonetheless, let us look at the possible aims of the govt in implementing national service and what external social effects it's actually causing..

a gracious society.
prior to the mandatory national service... there was only the barbarians and the girl-slaves. guys do not know how to treasure the girls and treat the fairer gender as just another commodity easily available off the streets - 3 for a dollar. then comes national service and the men start realising the importance of women to them after severe deprivation and hence treat the ladies on the street with more respect.
BUT.
what the govt did not expect was the extent of change. instead of barbarians, now singapore has truckloads of G.A.Y.S. who try to get sympathy from the ladies before, during, and after their NS. they will say anything to portray their army life as one of torture and suffering under some depraved bastards whom they will call "sir" just to avoid getting skewered. one may wonder how some people who havent even got enlisted can tell their female friends that they'll be suffering living hell JUST to get the girls to weep for them. This constant demand for sympathy has definitely caused the guys in singapore to become wussies subconsciously. Girls.. pls help in the cause and IGNORE the guys.

pro-creation.
another school of thought believes that the govt actually has bigger motives behind national service - economic motives. more specifically, they're trying to facilitate their pro-creation policy that's being heavily emphasized at the moment with baby bonus and longer maternity leave to compliment the campaign as well. (provided the ppl dun abandon the babies and the mother has a low enough contribution towards the economy that the country makes a net economic profit even if the govt provides longer maternity ,leave. ie, smart women shld not give birth since their babies might be stupid, whereas women with a generally lesser ability shld give birth since there's a better chance the baby would do well in future.) HOW is NS directly linked to pro-creation, one might asked. since it makes perfect sense that NS would mean lesser time for interaction between the male and the female population in singapore. Well.. the govt had that covered (as always). because national service is served at age 18 or 19, there is actually a lesser chance that the guys being enlisted is already married, so chances for "intimate interaction" is not really a problem. (and if u HAVE to argue, they DO provide that occasional weekend breaks, don't they?) The main aim of the govt here is to match up the guys with the girls of singapore such that as little as possible is left out. besides Social Development Unions (and some might say.. Schools), the govt is engaging in a multi-pronged approach towards the problem. by depriving the guys of the girls during the national service period, the govt forsees that guys gets more desperate when they are finally... "unleashed" into the outside world. hence now, girls that previously don't stand a chance at getting married in their lifetime are suddenly transformed into valuable assets to be pursued after. How brilliant is the govt. and then u turn to look at ur wife and u realise WHY u actually married her.
BUT.
the govt forgot to consider that some guys really DO become gays (as in homosexuals, literally, not referring to wussies!!) after two and a half years in NS. which explains why now NS is only 2 years and not 2.5 years. of cos "desperation level" might have dropped, but i suppose its already been calculated to be the Optimum level. might even have a term for it : homo-despo-ratio optimality? buts that's gotta be classified.

The Queen Never Dies.

question: if william hill is a bookmaker, what would he make? no? it's definitely NOT books. He makes money! from who would win the US presidential elections, to who would win the election to become the US state of chicago's bushisagoodleader town's buffalomonkey university's head of department of lavatory cleanliness. from what britney spears would (not) wear to the grammies, to who brad pitt would date next. from when THE QUEEN would die, to when tony blair finally disagrees with america. anything and everything, so long as there's 2 or more possible outcomes. (notice, the word is 'possible', not 'probable'... because the queen never seems to die and the only "negative" words tony blair would use on any US policy are "i do NOT doubt that they are always right, they are NEVER wrong")

William Hill has a few new wager on offer: of course, "when will china finally bomb taiwan????" punters are watching this one really closely due to the recent Chinese talks abt wanting to pass an "anti-secession law" that will allow themselves to attack taiwan "legally". one wonders what difference it actually makes since the 3 basic consideration of this conflict remains the same. china wanting to whack taiwan and telling USA to stay out of it, claiming peaceful means only a last resort; taiwan daring china to whack her knowing USA won't stay out of it, citing interest in peaceful means ONLY if they are granted independence; and USA telling China she won't meddle UNLESS there is a need - ironically there really isnt a "need" for her to be involved unless china starts a war with taiwan- and claiming peaceful means is the only way to go. William Hill is offering 3 other betting options for the eager pundits... mainly irrelevant to the recent issue itself.

"will china ever wake up and accept the fact that they can never get back taiwan"
"will taiwan ever have enough guts to declare independence"
"will USA ever stop being so diplomatic and say it straight to the Chinese that "taiwan is under our wings"

one of the catch of the above bets is that all the "NO" options are not on offer and punters can only bet on the "yes" option and the ticket is valid for only a period of 5 years, or until they actually win the bet. NOW u know how William Hill makes money. (of cos, shld they ever lose on any of the bets, they can always bank on the QUEEN outliving everyone else and hence profiting from it.)


Well, sometimes William Hill loses money. When tilted bets like "will a nation drink its own pee" or "will 2 planes crash into 2 separate buildings within an hour" go awry following the newater project and the 9-11 incident, william hill had had to suffer major losses after they offered really high odds to attract punters into betting on the seemingly-impossibles. One does suspect that maybe, just maybe, Mr Go Chop Tom, the former prime minister of sinapore, actually invested heavily on that bet using national reserves and then after that make his people drink Pee, thereby injecting large funds into singapore's diminishing reserves following 5 years of budget deficit. or perhaps, osama was just another avid punter and he only wanted the money. one day if the QUEEN gets assassinated, its pretty obvious why. but then again... the QUEEN never dies. or does she?


-ivan -

Just Talk?

"WHERE's OUR HALF DAY??" This seems to be the question on many of the SAJC students' - and teachers' - mind nowadays. As it was understood, there was always an unwritten promise of a half-day for every gold medal that was received by Team SAJC. No one knows where this "promise" came from, or whether it was still valid; but the general belief was that gold equals to an early release for a day. No one knows if this was meant to be cumulative, or whether the school even had the liberty - and authority - to just grant half-days as and when they deem fit. (afterall, we have to consider the feelings of those student who absolutely believes in mugging all their life - if they even have one - and that taking a VAN to S11 food centers is the best way to settle their daily count of calories.)

But anyway, this "promise" had never caused much of a problem for the head (with bushy hair) of the school yet. Afterall, every year, SAJC hardly manages to get into many finals for the games. So every year, the students may continue to believe in the existence of the "promised land", without its actual existence being put into question in the first place. Each year, the students will have only themselves to blame for not winning and thus it was all their fault. The HEAD was kind and totally nice, she offered something, just that no one really wanted to claim it. No one could, rather.

This year, this "promise", which seems to have become much of an urban legend in SAJC, is being put to test. for the record, vball has already got the honours, cricket is almost a sure-win, and basketball (boys and gals) and soccer are in the finals. If everything turns out well, can we actually expect 3 days off? Or will the HEAD -now breaking in cold sweat due to stress and hot sweat due to badminton-in-the-air-con-hall - try to think of backdoors to the problem? Punters seem to be agreeing that she will. The following is a secret piece of information going around the student body: odds for the P's response.

1/1000 -> P:brain (no pun intended) will give 3 days off
1/500 -> p:brain will give a day off.
1/3 -> P:brain will act like nothing has happened and jus dismiss the urban legend.
1/3 -> p:brain will give half day off and say that it wasn't cumulative
1/2 -> P:brain will say that all the time students are released early to support matches counts towards the total.
1/1.0000000000000001 -> p:brain, being the P:brain, do not know whats happening at all and jus smile when she was told to do so at the morning assembly. erm- i mean p:brain got other pressing stuffs to attend to.

students are so confident of the result that they are throwing in their everything jus to win PEANUT -singular- and hopefully they dun have to share. Wat's your bet?


reported by ivan

beauty in a card

Singapore--Due the increasing number of people being increasingly concerned about the looks of the people they are about to meet, the government has decided to include a beauty quotient in every female citizen's identification card. This quotient will be from a range of 1(not worth looking) to 10 (can't get any prettier), and they are even considering the inclusion of up to 2 decimal places to better gauge the beauty of the people. Every female citizen above the age of 12 are expected to report to the SIR building upon receiving their notification. there, they will have to go thru a series of checks and scrutiny, and then subsequently given a grade by 100 different people--of all gender, race, age, and social class-- to ensure a fair and general opinion. all these will then be reflected in their new identification card. this new measure was received with mixed reactions---those wif beauty hail its coming, while those who knew deep within they lack it claims this is totally absurd and untolerable. authorities have decided to go thru wif it nonetheless.

when interviewed, the officials of this new how-pretty-are-you scheme claims, "i don't see why are the people making such a big fuss over it? dun they always ask questions like "is so-and-so pretty?" or "are u sure she's as pretty as u claim her to be?" the very moment someone around them mention any ladies? so what we're doing here is to protect the people. now that everyone has a "beauty grade", said questions can be more easily answered wif "she's a 9.43" (or in another case: "she's super ugly! she a 2.32") What we're doing here is really justified, especially when young boys go on irc chats and get cheated by fat and ugly women who claim themselves to be "ravishing and adorable", and then make the mistake of their lifetime when the eager boys actually agree to meet up."

One may question that beauty is passing, and that someone who is a 10 in her heydays could onli be worth a 1.21 when she's 85. thus, in response to this, there will be a review every 6 mths for anyone scoring above 8.5, and every 10 mths for anyone above 7. (it is believed that it is more difficult to maintain beauty than to stay ugly. thus the lower u score, the less reviews are actually needed.) After the age of 30, the individual's score will simply go down by one every 3 years until they reach the bare minumum of 1.1. (lowest score of 1.0 is reserved onli for those condemned. people reading this might wanna take felicia as a sample.)

beauty quotient will start as of 2005, and females are highly recommended to beautify themselves before the coming of the judgement. all who actually get below a 5.0 will have to be sent for a 6 weeks facial restructuring phase. this was all done in lieu of the "take people at face value" campaign that will be launched shortly after to make singapore a more gracious society.

-ivan

Sinaporean: too smart to handle.

9th August 1965, Sinapore was separated from manaysia jus because of some tengku a-do ramen. He kicked Sinapore out of the federation on claims that Sinapore has far too many smart souls for him to feel secure in his own country. He decided that a separation shld knock us flat and perhaps when Sinapore phases out of the south-east asian equation, people would start thinking that he and Manaysia is relatively smart. At that time, our prime minister Lee Koon Yew was totally devastated and totally regretful that sinapore could no longer fulfil her ideal of making manaysia an intellectually competent state. He was quite sure that manaysia, wif all its abundance of natural resources such as stupidity, would onli fall into a bottomless pit of idiocy without sinapore around to guide them. But deaf ears were turned and manaysia still decided to take dumbness as it comes.

Today, 39 years into freedom from moronism, Sinapore has indeed gone into full flight and all its people are considered to be civilised animals, at least. Manaysia, on the other hand, is becoming more stupid, proving LKY's not-so-much-of-a-prediction-but-rather-stating-the-obvious right. This day...their degradation has been so incredible that their intellect have gone back to nearly that of the caveman! it appears they have indeed not wasted their free source of natural stupidity. This day, the manaysians are claiming that the gods are actually interested in their little game of power struggle! One party, the PAS claims that its supporters will be given a ticket to heaven if people vote for them. They even made cute little coupon-like "tickets" and are distributing them all over at the voting booths. Tickets are believed to be limited as the popular bookstore have ran out of stock for that particular type of paper. Becoz of this shortage, there has been a market going on for the sale of these tickets! prices have gone up to as high as RM50,000 per ticket! The contents of the tickets goes like these...

Ticket to manaysian heaven (PAS department)
admits one only
This ticket is complimentary and is transferable at will.
This ticket is valid from the time of death, irregardless of cause
rogues and rapists not allowed to enter.
all food and lodging will be provided for.
PAS reserves the right to change the terms of admittance without prior notice to the ticket holder. terms and conditions apply.

apparently the circulation of this ticket to heaven has been causing upheavals in the society as people rob, beg or sell their houses jus to get their hands on one of them. suicide cases have also shot up overnight as many cant wait to "gain entry". Former manaysia prime minister mamathir mee-tai-mak is thinking of a counter solution. He expresses, "i'll do something abt this! how can they be cheating the people like this? tho our people are largely retarded and mentally challenged, this is realli exploitation! i'll have to come up wif a more attractive package soon. but first let me visit popular bookstore. i have to rush.." This is his proposed package:

Ticket to manaysian heaven (UMNO department)
admits one only
This ticket is value-for-money and is transferable at will.
This ticket is valid from time of purchase. (cynide included)
rogues and rapists not allowed to enter. unless they are UMNO supporters.
all food and lodging will be provided for. (better rooms than PAS department. KINGKOIL bed)
trade in ur PAS tickets to get pain-killers.
UMNO reserves the right to change the terms of admittance without prior notice to the ticket holder. terms and conditions apply.

He's currently seeking council on how much room space they can offer, and his SINAPOREAN adviser is helping in everyway he can. He was overheard telling mamathir mee-tai-mak,"dun worry, i jus called god, he said there's still space available in heaven. BUT. Payment upfront..." he grins...


~ By Ivan ~

SINGAPORE - American Idol (reject) William Hung arrived in Singapore two days ago to a 5000-strong reception. His publicists were relieved that, despite 2 hijacks and 4 kidnap attempts along the way, Hung managed to get his butt over to our bloody little island. Hung's visit to Singapore is the result of ardent fans setting up "Hung Camps" around the island. The fan club president, Mrs. Lim C. Tin (principal of a college that boasts of a fantastically blue-stripped tie - but she wants her college to remain unnamed) coos, "I'm so hung up over Hung!" This reporter was thoroughly embarrassed at this blatant display of support. What followed was worse. She started imitating Hung's dance moves in THAT audition, subsequently causing this reporter to laugh so hard she had to be brought to the hospital for a lung seizure. She is writing this in a C-class ward now.

By the fan club president's request, Hung arrived in SAJC yesterday. A bewildered Mr. Silas mistook Hung for a late student (he arrived at 10pm; imagine how terribly angry Silas was!) and gave him Detention Class (D.C.). Although the misunderstanding was cleared, Hung must still come back this saturday for the D.C. that he's been sheduled. 03A31's Miss Chuwen will be the guest D.C. student who will be accompany Hung for the entire D.C. session. She was thrilled when this reporter interviewed her via the phone, "I'm terribly happy. This really is a blessing in disguise! I must remember to take a photo with Hung. The badminton-playing principal will be so positively pissed. HAHAHHA." And then she proceeded on to sleep (my assumption, because Miss Chuwen stopped talking suddenly and loud snores were heard through the phone. This reporter silently cursed, although she could have cursed aloud. Miss Chuwen was sleeping anyway).

Moving on to the much-awaited Hung concert. It was held in the auditorium (which really is the only place for any such event). Hung swaddled into the audi to lacklustre applause. The audience was momentarily stunned by what they saw. The tv station that had aired American Idol 3 had airbrushed the real Hung. The real Hung, who was now standing before them, looked incredibly like their badminton-playing principal. When a student (in possession of an exceptionally big mouth) shouted, "Hey you look like our principal!" Hung was genial to a fault. He gave a tender smile, and then plonked his hands into his pockets in an attempt to look genuinely suave. "Yes yes everyone says that. We actually do look alike. Oh she's the president of my fanclu - OH shit did i just say that?!" Another stunned silence followed.

The concert lasted for less than 5 minutes because it never did happen. Hung sheepishly tore off "his" mask (made-in-China) and then the truth was out. The badminton-playing principal is Hung, and Hung is the badminton-playing principal! They're one and the same person. Bowing her head low, the principal begs, "Please dont tell the media about this. I want to be a star. Let me continue to be William Hung."

Suddenly there was this whole mystery about how she was there at the airport, receiving Hung. "Oh," the principal says, somewhat relieved now, "the Hung that walked out was a double. I bought an extra mask, you see."

~reported by r- ~

Tales of the Deceitful.

This is a follow up of the previous article on JC2s student in SAJC doing whatever they can to get the JC1s to enrol in their respective CCAs. Our reporters had to go under the guise of a JC1 in order to truly experience the lies that were presented so nicely to them. Becoz of this, their identity would have to be kept secret. This is a first time account.

Student councils get a huge "fan base" after the orientation with the JC1s. They appear to be the "cool" cca among the j1s and has become the undisputed choice of CCA for them. BUT: What the j1s do not know is that councillors only get to be "cool" once a year, and that effectively means only once in their entire college life. Instead j1s who eventually become councillors will have to spend lots of their precious time doing boring stuff like cleaning the student center. Doesn't get more "cool", i suppose.

Dance society has got a sudden influx of students signing up for audition this year. And one suspects that its also due to their performance during the orientation finale. j1s thinking of signing up for dance could merely be going for the limelight. BUT: how many chances of performing do the dance society actually get? Most of the time they would be left to figure out gay moves and try implicit actions on each other.

ODAC as usual is the most popular CCA in college. They boast of a strength of only 30 odd outdoor freaks in college doing all the most expensive college sponsored activities, but always gets more than hundred odd ppl signing up trying to take a shot at being accepted into the exciting club. BUT: While alot of the j1s are told odac activities include rock-climbing, kayaking etc... the "etc" mentioned here is nothing more than physical trainings. An occasional camp, some first aid, and tonnes of lameness, that just about makes up the ODAC that so many j1s believes to be "happening"

Touch Rugby is the third cca with over a hundred sign-ups after dance and odac, so they must be included in this as well. Touch Rugby is a new sport among most j1s and most of the gals are excited about trying it out, aspiring jonny wilkinsons. Touch rugby also claims membership to an array of pretty ladies with a nice tan. One of the best strategy they use is simply to have these pretty girls at the sign-up booth to attract all the sexually abnormal female homo sapien sapiens. Touch is really the oogle place, no doubt. BUT: j1s forget that its still a sport afterall and there's always competition involved. The team needs only a limited number to players to represent the college and the rest of the ladies can continue doing their fashion parade, or do up themselves to be ready for next year's cca sign-up day to trick the next batch of innocents.

co-op is one of the 5 major "service CCAs". Giving members the chance to invest in the co-op itself and earning 5% interest at the end of the year could prove to be right move to attract money-faced money-face. Co-op seems prestigious with the posts ranging from director to managers. BUT: under all these "posts" is a CCA that does nothing except slack and wait for students to throw their money into the "non-profitable" co-op. one suspects how the members makes money if it really is non-profitable. Co-operators being profit-seeking rationale business-minded students,would never let slip a chance to expand their profit margin. While all other CCAs is busy promoting their CCA, co-op sets up a booth and starts selling their glutted supply at "discount price". How smart can they get to think that students would even be interested. It ends off with a wasted effort and the opportunity cost of it all far exceeds the few pencils that they actually sell. Little wonder so many VENNers are in co-op. They don't take econs to appreciate something called the economist's profit. Its all accountants out there. stupid accountants.

Strategy club comes up with a more-than-strategic way of attracting students. Pasting posters practically and impractically everywhere. Take for example the toilets. On sign-up day itself, they provide students with free chess-boards to play in the hope that students would join for the free chess sessions they could have if they join. With too much neuro glands used to store chess moves, they forgot that popular bookstore sells chess for merely $1.03. The co-op does well to beat popular with a competitive price of $1.


All the above is the truest account and is actually a tradition carried on and on for years that passed. It is not intended to promote or undermine any CCA groups mentioned or not mentioned in this article.


~reported by someone not called ivan~