Crapaper: The only news that concern us.

Girls Alert!

recently, there's been an outbreak of a new species of humans - Guys Awaiting Your Sympathy - or GAYS for short. this trend has been made worst with the singapore govt making National Service mandatory for all guys once they reach a certain age. Many have wondered why there is even the need for a defence force since singapore can hardly withstand a single bomb of military magnitude. and speculations often lead to answers, or "answers" at least. this is -of course- what crapaper thrives on.. "inaccurate news" but nonetheless, let us look at the possible aims of the govt in implementing national service and what external social effects it's actually causing..

a gracious society.
prior to the mandatory national service... there was only the barbarians and the girl-slaves. guys do not know how to treasure the girls and treat the fairer gender as just another commodity easily available off the streets - 3 for a dollar. then comes national service and the men start realising the importance of women to them after severe deprivation and hence treat the ladies on the street with more respect.
BUT.
what the govt did not expect was the extent of change. instead of barbarians, now singapore has truckloads of G.A.Y.S. who try to get sympathy from the ladies before, during, and after their NS. they will say anything to portray their army life as one of torture and suffering under some depraved bastards whom they will call "sir" just to avoid getting skewered. one may wonder how some people who havent even got enlisted can tell their female friends that they'll be suffering living hell JUST to get the girls to weep for them. This constant demand for sympathy has definitely caused the guys in singapore to become wussies subconsciously. Girls.. pls help in the cause and IGNORE the guys.

pro-creation.
another school of thought believes that the govt actually has bigger motives behind national service - economic motives. more specifically, they're trying to facilitate their pro-creation policy that's being heavily emphasized at the moment with baby bonus and longer maternity leave to compliment the campaign as well. (provided the ppl dun abandon the babies and the mother has a low enough contribution towards the economy that the country makes a net economic profit even if the govt provides longer maternity ,leave. ie, smart women shld not give birth since their babies might be stupid, whereas women with a generally lesser ability shld give birth since there's a better chance the baby would do well in future.) HOW is NS directly linked to pro-creation, one might asked. since it makes perfect sense that NS would mean lesser time for interaction between the male and the female population in singapore. Well.. the govt had that covered (as always). because national service is served at age 18 or 19, there is actually a lesser chance that the guys being enlisted is already married, so chances for "intimate interaction" is not really a problem. (and if u HAVE to argue, they DO provide that occasional weekend breaks, don't they?) The main aim of the govt here is to match up the guys with the girls of singapore such that as little as possible is left out. besides Social Development Unions (and some might say.. Schools), the govt is engaging in a multi-pronged approach towards the problem. by depriving the guys of the girls during the national service period, the govt forsees that guys gets more desperate when they are finally... "unleashed" into the outside world. hence now, girls that previously don't stand a chance at getting married in their lifetime are suddenly transformed into valuable assets to be pursued after. How brilliant is the govt. and then u turn to look at ur wife and u realise WHY u actually married her.
BUT.
the govt forgot to consider that some guys really DO become gays (as in homosexuals, literally, not referring to wussies!!) after two and a half years in NS. which explains why now NS is only 2 years and not 2.5 years. of cos "desperation level" might have dropped, but i suppose its already been calculated to be the Optimum level. might even have a term for it : homo-despo-ratio optimality? buts that's gotta be classified.

The Queen Never Dies.

question: if william hill is a bookmaker, what would he make? no? it's definitely NOT books. He makes money! from who would win the US presidential elections, to who would win the election to become the US state of chicago's bushisagoodleader town's buffalomonkey university's head of department of lavatory cleanliness. from what britney spears would (not) wear to the grammies, to who brad pitt would date next. from when THE QUEEN would die, to when tony blair finally disagrees with america. anything and everything, so long as there's 2 or more possible outcomes. (notice, the word is 'possible', not 'probable'... because the queen never seems to die and the only "negative" words tony blair would use on any US policy are "i do NOT doubt that they are always right, they are NEVER wrong")

William Hill has a few new wager on offer: of course, "when will china finally bomb taiwan????" punters are watching this one really closely due to the recent Chinese talks abt wanting to pass an "anti-secession law" that will allow themselves to attack taiwan "legally". one wonders what difference it actually makes since the 3 basic consideration of this conflict remains the same. china wanting to whack taiwan and telling USA to stay out of it, claiming peaceful means only a last resort; taiwan daring china to whack her knowing USA won't stay out of it, citing interest in peaceful means ONLY if they are granted independence; and USA telling China she won't meddle UNLESS there is a need - ironically there really isnt a "need" for her to be involved unless china starts a war with taiwan- and claiming peaceful means is the only way to go. William Hill is offering 3 other betting options for the eager pundits... mainly irrelevant to the recent issue itself.

"will china ever wake up and accept the fact that they can never get back taiwan"
"will taiwan ever have enough guts to declare independence"
"will USA ever stop being so diplomatic and say it straight to the Chinese that "taiwan is under our wings"

one of the catch of the above bets is that all the "NO" options are not on offer and punters can only bet on the "yes" option and the ticket is valid for only a period of 5 years, or until they actually win the bet. NOW u know how William Hill makes money. (of cos, shld they ever lose on any of the bets, they can always bank on the QUEEN outliving everyone else and hence profiting from it.)


Well, sometimes William Hill loses money. When tilted bets like "will a nation drink its own pee" or "will 2 planes crash into 2 separate buildings within an hour" go awry following the newater project and the 9-11 incident, william hill had had to suffer major losses after they offered really high odds to attract punters into betting on the seemingly-impossibles. One does suspect that maybe, just maybe, Mr Go Chop Tom, the former prime minister of sinapore, actually invested heavily on that bet using national reserves and then after that make his people drink Pee, thereby injecting large funds into singapore's diminishing reserves following 5 years of budget deficit. or perhaps, osama was just another avid punter and he only wanted the money. one day if the QUEEN gets assassinated, its pretty obvious why. but then again... the QUEEN never dies. or does she?


-ivan -

HAHAHAHHA!!!! ;)

enjoy the following article. goodness, i absolutely love satires. *short pause to reconsider* and british humour.

this is not written by me, most assuredly, though i would aspire to do something similar with regards to our friendly neighbour "across the causeway" >:D HAHA! just kidding. im not as evil as SOME people. *laughter*

read and be awed.

“NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE” by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.” You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then youshouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football.” There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because e don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “IndecisiveDay.”

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

(16.) Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

---

*sniggers*

didnt you just absolutely LOVE that?! ;)

-- posted by: the one and only :)

Just Talk?

"WHERE's OUR HALF DAY??" This seems to be the question on many of the SAJC students' - and teachers' - mind nowadays. As it was understood, there was always an unwritten promise of a half-day for every gold medal that was received by Team SAJC. No one knows where this "promise" came from, or whether it was still valid; but the general belief was that gold equals to an early release for a day. No one knows if this was meant to be cumulative, or whether the school even had the liberty - and authority - to just grant half-days as and when they deem fit. (afterall, we have to consider the feelings of those student who absolutely believes in mugging all their life - if they even have one - and that taking a VAN to S11 food centers is the best way to settle their daily count of calories.)

But anyway, this "promise" had never caused much of a problem for the head (with bushy hair) of the school yet. Afterall, every year, SAJC hardly manages to get into many finals for the games. So every year, the students may continue to believe in the existence of the "promised land", without its actual existence being put into question in the first place. Each year, the students will have only themselves to blame for not winning and thus it was all their fault. The HEAD was kind and totally nice, she offered something, just that no one really wanted to claim it. No one could, rather.

This year, this "promise", which seems to have become much of an urban legend in SAJC, is being put to test. for the record, vball has already got the honours, cricket is almost a sure-win, and basketball (boys and gals) and soccer are in the finals. If everything turns out well, can we actually expect 3 days off? Or will the HEAD -now breaking in cold sweat due to stress and hot sweat due to badminton-in-the-air-con-hall - try to think of backdoors to the problem? Punters seem to be agreeing that she will. The following is a secret piece of information going around the student body: odds for the P's response.

1/1000 -> P:brain (no pun intended) will give 3 days off
1/500 -> p:brain will give a day off.
1/3 -> P:brain will act like nothing has happened and jus dismiss the urban legend.
1/3 -> p:brain will give half day off and say that it wasn't cumulative
1/2 -> P:brain will say that all the time students are released early to support matches counts towards the total.
1/1.0000000000000001 -> p:brain, being the P:brain, do not know whats happening at all and jus smile when she was told to do so at the morning assembly. erm- i mean p:brain got other pressing stuffs to attend to.

students are so confident of the result that they are throwing in their everything jus to win PEANUT -singular- and hopefully they dun have to share. Wat's your bet?


reported by ivan

beauty in a card

Singapore--Due the increasing number of people being increasingly concerned about the looks of the people they are about to meet, the government has decided to include a beauty quotient in every female citizen's identification card. This quotient will be from a range of 1(not worth looking) to 10 (can't get any prettier), and they are even considering the inclusion of up to 2 decimal places to better gauge the beauty of the people. Every female citizen above the age of 12 are expected to report to the SIR building upon receiving their notification. there, they will have to go thru a series of checks and scrutiny, and then subsequently given a grade by 100 different people--of all gender, race, age, and social class-- to ensure a fair and general opinion. all these will then be reflected in their new identification card. this new measure was received with mixed reactions---those wif beauty hail its coming, while those who knew deep within they lack it claims this is totally absurd and untolerable. authorities have decided to go thru wif it nonetheless.

when interviewed, the officials of this new how-pretty-are-you scheme claims, "i don't see why are the people making such a big fuss over it? dun they always ask questions like "is so-and-so pretty?" or "are u sure she's as pretty as u claim her to be?" the very moment someone around them mention any ladies? so what we're doing here is to protect the people. now that everyone has a "beauty grade", said questions can be more easily answered wif "she's a 9.43" (or in another case: "she's super ugly! she a 2.32") What we're doing here is really justified, especially when young boys go on irc chats and get cheated by fat and ugly women who claim themselves to be "ravishing and adorable", and then make the mistake of their lifetime when the eager boys actually agree to meet up."

One may question that beauty is passing, and that someone who is a 10 in her heydays could onli be worth a 1.21 when she's 85. thus, in response to this, there will be a review every 6 mths for anyone scoring above 8.5, and every 10 mths for anyone above 7. (it is believed that it is more difficult to maintain beauty than to stay ugly. thus the lower u score, the less reviews are actually needed.) After the age of 30, the individual's score will simply go down by one every 3 years until they reach the bare minumum of 1.1. (lowest score of 1.0 is reserved onli for those condemned. people reading this might wanna take felicia as a sample.)

beauty quotient will start as of 2005, and females are highly recommended to beautify themselves before the coming of the judgement. all who actually get below a 5.0 will have to be sent for a 6 weeks facial restructuring phase. this was all done in lieu of the "take people at face value" campaign that will be launched shortly after to make singapore a more gracious society.

-ivan

Sinaporean: too smart to handle.

9th August 1965, Sinapore was separated from manaysia jus because of some tengku a-do ramen. He kicked Sinapore out of the federation on claims that Sinapore has far too many smart souls for him to feel secure in his own country. He decided that a separation shld knock us flat and perhaps when Sinapore phases out of the south-east asian equation, people would start thinking that he and Manaysia is relatively smart. At that time, our prime minister Lee Koon Yew was totally devastated and totally regretful that sinapore could no longer fulfil her ideal of making manaysia an intellectually competent state. He was quite sure that manaysia, wif all its abundance of natural resources such as stupidity, would onli fall into a bottomless pit of idiocy without sinapore around to guide them. But deaf ears were turned and manaysia still decided to take dumbness as it comes.

Today, 39 years into freedom from moronism, Sinapore has indeed gone into full flight and all its people are considered to be civilised animals, at least. Manaysia, on the other hand, is becoming more stupid, proving LKY's not-so-much-of-a-prediction-but-rather-stating-the-obvious right. This day...their degradation has been so incredible that their intellect have gone back to nearly that of the caveman! it appears they have indeed not wasted their free source of natural stupidity. This day, the manaysians are claiming that the gods are actually interested in their little game of power struggle! One party, the PAS claims that its supporters will be given a ticket to heaven if people vote for them. They even made cute little coupon-like "tickets" and are distributing them all over at the voting booths. Tickets are believed to be limited as the popular bookstore have ran out of stock for that particular type of paper. Becoz of this shortage, there has been a market going on for the sale of these tickets! prices have gone up to as high as RM50,000 per ticket! The contents of the tickets goes like these...

Ticket to manaysian heaven (PAS department)
admits one only
This ticket is complimentary and is transferable at will.
This ticket is valid from the time of death, irregardless of cause
rogues and rapists not allowed to enter.
all food and lodging will be provided for.
PAS reserves the right to change the terms of admittance without prior notice to the ticket holder. terms and conditions apply.

apparently the circulation of this ticket to heaven has been causing upheavals in the society as people rob, beg or sell their houses jus to get their hands on one of them. suicide cases have also shot up overnight as many cant wait to "gain entry". Former manaysia prime minister mamathir mee-tai-mak is thinking of a counter solution. He expresses, "i'll do something abt this! how can they be cheating the people like this? tho our people are largely retarded and mentally challenged, this is realli exploitation! i'll have to come up wif a more attractive package soon. but first let me visit popular bookstore. i have to rush.." This is his proposed package:

Ticket to manaysian heaven (UMNO department)
admits one only
This ticket is value-for-money and is transferable at will.
This ticket is valid from time of purchase. (cynide included)
rogues and rapists not allowed to enter. unless they are UMNO supporters.
all food and lodging will be provided for. (better rooms than PAS department. KINGKOIL bed)
trade in ur PAS tickets to get pain-killers.
UMNO reserves the right to change the terms of admittance without prior notice to the ticket holder. terms and conditions apply.

He's currently seeking council on how much room space they can offer, and his SINAPOREAN adviser is helping in everyway he can. He was overheard telling mamathir mee-tai-mak,"dun worry, i jus called god, he said there's still space available in heaven. BUT. Payment upfront..." he grins...


~ By Ivan ~

SINGAPORE - American Idol (reject) William Hung arrived in Singapore two days ago to a 5000-strong reception. His publicists were relieved that, despite 2 hijacks and 4 kidnap attempts along the way, Hung managed to get his butt over to our bloody little island. Hung's visit to Singapore is the result of ardent fans setting up "Hung Camps" around the island. The fan club president, Mrs. Lim C. Tin (principal of a college that boasts of a fantastically blue-stripped tie - but she wants her college to remain unnamed) coos, "I'm so hung up over Hung!" This reporter was thoroughly embarrassed at this blatant display of support. What followed was worse. She started imitating Hung's dance moves in THAT audition, subsequently causing this reporter to laugh so hard she had to be brought to the hospital for a lung seizure. She is writing this in a C-class ward now.

By the fan club president's request, Hung arrived in SAJC yesterday. A bewildered Mr. Silas mistook Hung for a late student (he arrived at 10pm; imagine how terribly angry Silas was!) and gave him Detention Class (D.C.). Although the misunderstanding was cleared, Hung must still come back this saturday for the D.C. that he's been sheduled. 03A31's Miss Chuwen will be the guest D.C. student who will be accompany Hung for the entire D.C. session. She was thrilled when this reporter interviewed her via the phone, "I'm terribly happy. This really is a blessing in disguise! I must remember to take a photo with Hung. The badminton-playing principal will be so positively pissed. HAHAHHA." And then she proceeded on to sleep (my assumption, because Miss Chuwen stopped talking suddenly and loud snores were heard through the phone. This reporter silently cursed, although she could have cursed aloud. Miss Chuwen was sleeping anyway).

Moving on to the much-awaited Hung concert. It was held in the auditorium (which really is the only place for any such event). Hung swaddled into the audi to lacklustre applause. The audience was momentarily stunned by what they saw. The tv station that had aired American Idol 3 had airbrushed the real Hung. The real Hung, who was now standing before them, looked incredibly like their badminton-playing principal. When a student (in possession of an exceptionally big mouth) shouted, "Hey you look like our principal!" Hung was genial to a fault. He gave a tender smile, and then plonked his hands into his pockets in an attempt to look genuinely suave. "Yes yes everyone says that. We actually do look alike. Oh she's the president of my fanclu - OH shit did i just say that?!" Another stunned silence followed.

The concert lasted for less than 5 minutes because it never did happen. Hung sheepishly tore off "his" mask (made-in-China) and then the truth was out. The badminton-playing principal is Hung, and Hung is the badminton-playing principal! They're one and the same person. Bowing her head low, the principal begs, "Please dont tell the media about this. I want to be a star. Let me continue to be William Hung."

Suddenly there was this whole mystery about how she was there at the airport, receiving Hung. "Oh," the principal says, somewhat relieved now, "the Hung that walked out was a double. I bought an extra mask, you see."

~reported by r- ~