Crapaper: The only news that concern us.

Cinema Reviews

Holiday period. Many movie production companies would choose to release their movie during this time. As movie-goers, we're often spoilt for choice. But more often than not, our choice would turn out to be a spoiler. So wat films do we go for? Our reporters have taken the trouble to watch most of the shows and hopefully provide an insight on wat show to watch if you were to visit the cinemas.

The Matrix **
A show on how a maths teacher took great pains to finally help a class of delinquent students pass their exams. He faced many problems throughout the course of teaching, especially in the topic of Matrix. However with the close rapport he managed to build up wif his students, he was able to endure to the end. Great storyline, but one suspects inoriginality though.

Cold Feet Manor *
This is a show about how a manor was build by a millionaire for his niece who had cold feet whenever she faced challenges. The manor had a heater below the ground and the carpetted floor made sure that anyone who was stepping on it would feel warm. It was supposed to cure his niece of this cold feet illness, and it worked out just fine. No twist to the plot. Absolutely a chore to watch. Unless of cause you have a fetish for feets. One very special feature though: not a single face was shown in the entire movie! Characters had to be identified by their feet.

let divorce *****
This is a show about a couple who wanted to divorce each other after some conflicts over who gets to walk the dog. However, the court of marriages refused to accept such an excuse and denies the divorce. This controversial act led to the couple going on a "let divorce" mission. To divorce each other, they had to work together to show the judge the were really not meant for each other. However, when they finally succeed in convincing the judge, and divorce approved, they got so elated they hugged and kissed each other so hard they decided to get married again. The judge dropped dead. Romantic comedy...a MUST WATCH!

Texas Chainsaw Lumberjack**
A movie that reveals the lives of lumberjacks in texas through the eyes of a lumberjack who took over his father at the age of 14. He was the first in texas to own a Chainsaw, and thus was able to saw more trees than all others who were using scissors to do the job. Based on a true story... it tells people how Chainsaws were first introduced, highly educational as well! But pls do not bring girlfriends/lovers to watch, totally unromantic.

Identity....card***** + *
This is a show when 10 men got their identity card jumbled up after leaving it for safekeeping while they were on a tour. These 10 men later got separated and as each face their problems of not having their IC with them, they also try to contact each other and hope to get back wat belongs to them. Later through a program called frenster, they realised that they were actually all related to one another and lived just beside each other in a small neighbourhood of 11 families. With a very light hearted approach, this show tries to tell audience how our busy lives could result in us not even knowing how our neighbours look like. Another point the show tries to make is how the game of chance is such that people could actually be searching around the world and yet not notice wats placed before them. Very meaning movie. scale-breaking!

~reviews by Ivan Wonder Foo~

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Interview with the Ghost

Today a boy-ghost was sighted at GV cinema. He was wearing an orange colored t-shirt and was walking with a hunched-back when the GV crew noticed him. Apparently he had tried to sneak into the cinema without any tickets, but he was caught eventually in cinema 6 of GV Loon Bay. The manager had a "hell of a time" questioning the boy-ghost as to why he wanted to watch such a lousy show as "wishing stairs". Below is an edited version of the actual questioning.

Manager: Hi! What's ur name?
Ghost: I'm johnny.
Manager: WHAT?! U mean u actually HAVE a name? I thought all ghosts were called 'ghost'?
Ghost: Yea... and i thought all humans were called 'stupids'

Manager: Tell me! Why didnt u pay for a ticket if u wanted to watch a show?
Ghost: Coz the smallest change i had was 10,000,000,000...and even the money changer didnt want to change it for singapore currency.

Manager: Dun u think that its very bad of u to do this? What if the sit was occupied? And the person won't get to watch the movie?
Ghost: Aww gimme a break! The movie was screened in a 600-sitter cinema. Don't think there was even 6 people watching that show.

Manager: Why do u think thats the case? Don't u think its because nobody wanted to watch a horror movie in a haunted cinema?
Ghost: What about "because the show sucks?" Come on!! Everyone knows that ghosts don't crawl around like in "ju-on" or "the ring". Its so degrading the way u humans actually think we can't walk!!

Manager: Anyway why did u choose to watch that show since u noe it sucks?
Ghost: Because i love horror movies?
Manager: But why? I mean u're not frightened by the show, are u? U're a GHOST for heaven's sake!!
Ghost: Oh that? The horror part actually comes from the audience. If u notice...many of the ppl in there look more like a ghost than i do... There was this fat woman who keeps farting non-stop throughout the whole movie, there was this lady whose lipstick actually stretches from the nose to the chin, and there's this ah-pek who digs his nose like it'll never be clean!! Don't u think thats a horror flick for me?

Manager: Well there's nothing we can do about that. How do u find our Nachos~ anyway? Crispy... hot cheese... the taste of heaven!!
Ghost: I died choking on Nachos. Let's drop the subject. Anyway, i went to hell, they had better Nachos than ur so-called "taste of heaven".

Manager: Oh shut up! U broke the law! I'm gonna take u to the priest now!
Ghost: U mean the GV priest? Since u mentioned... I just saw him kissing with ur daughter in the church just now. Maybe they're already at the next stage as we talk.
Manager: WHAT?!?! Damn that priest! i always knew he had an eye for my daughter!!
~manager exits~
Ghost: Stupid like all other GV managers.... hehes...

~reported by ivan~

Friday, November 07, 2003

Network Down
Loyal readers of the Crapaper might have noticed a break of 2 days without any articles being posted by our diligent reporters. This was due to the reporters getting food-poisoning after consumption of SAJC's bandung! When interviewed, Mr BB Yoong, a history teacher, commented, "its always been this way...the old woman stirs the syrups using bare hands and allowing her armpits to come into direct contact with them. I used to buy her drinks when i was in SA 7 years ago...maybe thats the reason my butt grew 8 inches in just 2 years!!"

readers are adviced to refrain from buying syrups from the old woman, and by the way, she's single.

~Crapaper Administrative Board~

Before the brave suicide.

USA victory yet again..
This morning, USA once again proved that they have the bravest army around. As six more of the troops showed their loyalty and bravery today by killing themselves in a helicopter crash, USA begins to lead the Iraqis on the death toll! Along with the 6 soldiers, the US army also showed their depth, allowing a black hawk helicopter to crash as well, giving the US army a great lead in bravery counts indeed.

General Tommy Franks commented, "we've always known there's no stopping us! Come on, coming into this foreign grounds, doing what we shld not be doing, wasting US$87 billion...its all what we do best! Who else in this world can even compete with us for this BIG BROTHER role? Of coz we had to show others how we train our soldiers so well that they take death lying down." (He's just being rhetorical, who doesn't take death lying down? standing instead?)

Gen. Franks also assured the americans that he'll step up US involvement, so that there would continue to be good TV for the people. Apparently, seeing 6 of their soldiers dying are causing a bigger hoo-haa than seeing 600 iraqis falling. He was rather proud of his fellow countrymen, "its good the people recognize the death of 6 Americans more than the deaths of the mere 600 Iraqis. It shows how our people can weigh the consequences of war. 6 Americans would be glorified, 600 Iraqis killed would be forgotten, perfect isn't it?

~reported by Ivan~

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

School Holidays Are "Good"
It is that time of the year again when the movies in the cinemas are all cartoons that attract the young and gullible. you're right! Its the HOLIDAYS!! Who could deny that this is such a good period of time for anyone out there with a sane enough mind to do the calculations.
(From various sources)
#During the holidays, student do not have to do their one-piece-a-day daily schoolwork! All they have to do is their six-pieces-a-day holidays assignment! WoW. What a bargain! No wonder everyone seems so free during the holidays. GOOD.
#During the holidays, friends do not have to go to school each day to see each other. Instead, they have the luxury of meeting their friends every fortnight! No wonder friendships are often forged during the holidays, its all because they can see each other more frequently! GOOD.
#During the holidays, cinema ticket sales go down by at least 30% due to the fall in number of students who go to the cinema after school. They also have to clear up all the vomits and excretes caused by young audiences watching 'toy story', not forgetting all the noise they make when Woody speaks. But all this is worth it! the cinema sell an average of 7 more tickets each day thru cartoon sales! GOOD.
#During the holidays, parents pay for their child's school fees as usual. And their child stay home to disturb them doing the chores and pester them for holidays to the carribeans. In doing all these, the parents get to do extra workout which gives them a good sweat each day! GOOD.

That was just some of the basic reasons why holidays are "good" to everyone involved. So let's look forward to the holidays coming up, and "ENJOY!!"

~article by Ivan wonder Foo~

Monday, November 03, 2003

CONSPIRACY EXPOSED!!!!

This could well be the article to prove Crapaper's worth! This morning, reports from a covert source that was placed to spy on Badawi when he went into power provided crucial information that might have exposed the biggest conspiracy since Julius Caesar! While the espionage agent was intended to spot for corruption which was highly expected, he got more than what he bargained for. This is a conversation between Rumsfeld and Badawi, who have been found out to be brothers!! (just look at their face! Wonder what the US secret service has been doing since 9/11)

Donald Rumsfeld having a clandestine meeting with Abdullah Badawi

Rumsfeld: Great! Brother, now that u have stepped into the muslim political world, we stand a better chance! Continue on mahathir's legacy, and command the muslims to our advantage! Together, we shall take over the world!

Badawi: Yeah, been waiting for the old man to die, glad he stepped down, was already thinking of stuffing his mouth with pork this weekend! save my trouble now. Now the first thing that i shld do is to steal the money! Afterall the people will only think that the money went into mosque-building! wahahas!! how's the situation over there?

Rumsfeld: Bushy is so mad over "Are you HOT?" on TV now... Condoleezza Rice knows nuttin except Andrew from "Bachelor"! I think i am the only one thinking about such boring stuff as taking over the world when there's so many good shows on TV right now. (ALL UR FAULT!!) I will try to rope in Arnold Schw...gger into my ranks! He's very efficient! U see the way he is setting everything in california on fire after jus being elected governor for 2 weeks? He still thinks he's a terminator. He shld be useful. When will our mission start?

Badawi: NOV 5! the release date of Matrix. The whole whole wld think that bombs from the sky are but a part of the superb sound surround system! And now with 3D, they may even think the movie can induce in them a feeling of Pain, even death! Its gonna be a whole new experience! i'm sure they'll queue for more!

Rumsfeld: Brilliant. I thought of that as well. U didnt have to tell me actually. Okay we shall keep in contact. Don't think our cover is blown. Now is over 7pm already, no more free incoming calls! faster hang up! May god be with you.

Badawi: May Allah be with you. Over and out.

This 2 political nincompoop obviously doesn't read crapaper. serve them right. As the whole world continues to look at their "surreptitious" efforts to take over the world

~reported by Ivan wonder Foo~

Literature Dowager of SAJC publishes book to critical acclaim

Singapore, SAJC - The book by Ms. K.?.?., entitled "My Painful Confessions", was released last night, at exactly 10pm, where a Releasing Party was held under the void deck of Blk 285, Ang Mo Kio Street 23. The author, Ms. K.?.?. (also affectionately known as Swaggering Butt by adoring fans worldwide, from Ang Mo Kio to Bishan), holds a day job as a Literature tutor and lecturer at the premier junior college, SAJC. Attendance for the Releasing Party was overwhelming, to say the least. Witnesses claim to have seen Ms. K bubbling in the mouth with foam, almost too surprised by the good turnout.

This paper joined in the fun at the void deck last night, and took the opportunity to talk to this wonderful and prolific author who has also written other critically acclaimed works like "How to Teach Students to Shut Up", "Why My Hairstyle Works", "Confessions of a Once-Russian Model".

Good evening Mrs, oh sorry, Ms. K. So how do you feel about tonight? We heard that you were foaming at the mouth. Of course, that's merely a speculation by witnesses.

Oh, I feel entirely honoured that so many people are at this releasing party. When I first started this book I only wanted to talk about why I first acquired the nickname of "Swaggering Butt", but there are also other sordid details in the book, like how I managed to clinch a deal as a Russian model on the Czech runway as a top-notch representative of Calvin Klein (yeah i'm crooked) which readers out there are really excited to read about.

Erms, okay. So do you think your colleagues are going to support your literary efforts? I mean, we haven't met a single one of them here. Not even that amiable DP of yours. Is there something wrong?

I think the problem lies with their innate inability to recognise that I've extreme talent that has nothing to do with them. Mr John S**** especially is a jealous competitor. Last year he attempted to write a book on "Why Beards Are Good" but no one bought it! (laughs shrilly) Except his wife of course. She bought like 2 copies which was like amazing. I already sold 3 today!

Well, that IS very nice of you. Would you like to talk about the literary achievements of your new book? Do you think this will put you among the ranks of the most talented writers of today?

I've always wanted to be reviewed by Crapaper you see, which has almost always reviewed stuff by Tolkian, Shakemyspear, Choreser, and Emerly Brontehe. So I guess I am among the ranks huh? And it has always been a dream to have a releasing party at this void deck. I mean, this place is SO exquisite and posh. I myself live at Geylang, where there aren't even void decks. Just shophouses. Erm yeah.

Thank you Mrs, oops sorry, Ms. K for your precious time. I'm sure your books will sell really well! Look! Someone's buying a 4th book!

Okay. I need to go attend to my customers. They have such small butts. They are dying to read my book and learn all about

Yes yes, not enough tape on my cassette. Next time!

By the time the interview ended, the releasing party was already on the verge of ending. The first printing of 5 books were being snapped up really fast. We are looking forward to a reprinting! Rumours are rife that the next printing will bring another 2 books to our favourite bookstores, Kinokuniya and Borders! 1 to each, don't fight!

A review for Ms. K.?.?.'s book will be up soon. Stay tuned! In the meantime, Ms. K.?.?. will have a tv appearance on channel 8 as a cameo on Phua Chu Kang. She will take on the role of the long-lost cousin of Rosie from China.

~reported by Rebecca lovely Toh~

Sunday, November 02, 2003

News Flash: Principal of (St. Androgynous Junior College) SAJC Caught for Embezzling Funds
Singapore - The principal of SAJC, Mrs. Lim, was arrested last night at the front gate of her 4-storey bungalow for alleged embezzlement of college funds, of which she allegedly used to pay for, among other things, her badminton lessons and weekly hair-trimming sessions at a famous personal grooming centre in town.

This paper has not been able to contact Mrs. Lim by press time. It was noted, however, that Mrs. Lim walked out of the police station distraught and with a skull cap over her head. Having been detained for 2 days, Mrs. Lim had been unable to make her Saturday appointment at the un-named grooming centre, where she undergoes the latest hair-taming technology to make her hair limp and generally less bushy. A spokesman from the grooming centre commented when approached by journalists: "Mrs. Lim is a very special case. It is regretful that she had to miss her Sunday appointment with us. Everyone knows that her hair explodes like a lion's mane without our weekly ultra-adhesive treatment. My condolences."

This paper wishes Mrs. Lim all the best. The police is still investigating the case, although teachers of the school have already stepped out to comment on this incident.

Head of the Arts Dept Mr. G shook his head when this paper approached him. "I never knew Mrs. Lim would do such a thing. I mean, who's always going around asking for more funds?" Mr. Lee Ting Jiang, an Economics lecturer at SAJC, is appalled. "No wonder I lost my wallet on teachers' day! We sat at the same table during the teachers' day dinner at shangri-la-utama!"

Trials will begin next week. The police has already expressed sympathy for Mrs. Lim's hair-related problem, but will press charges nevertheless.

~Reported from Ground Zero, R.~

THE PICTURE IS OUT!!!!

The most beautiful macdonald's crew ever to be spotted. A picture that'll give u another reason to visit macdonald's!! Her identity is still a mystery though, but jus admire her photo for the moment. Beauty fades. for all u noe...her pix might jus go bad. and grow old.

Speculations that her beauty is the result of eating macdonald's everyday ensure that the number of people visiting macdonald's will improve pretty soon enough. The macdonald's management board refuses to provide any further information on the girl and whether she is a marketing strategy that has just propelled onto the rocket of media curiousity.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

SAT test causes health problems, commitee looks into it.
The SAT test is a test student sit for. (after that they wld be considered having "sat" for the SIT test.) Its supposed to be a coloring course where 17-yr-olds learn how to color ovals with pencils. course fee of $80+ seemed a bargain, as hundreds Q to get enrolled. Many even decided to go for second try, after failing to learn the proper trick of shading nice ovals.

However, the SAT committee, due to their dedication to their job, do not realli allow students to go for loo breaks. For 3 hrs..Students were seen holding on to their crotch in panic and desperation. The committee, when interviewed, expresses that the full bladder gives students motivation to hurry in their work, and achieve otherwise impossible results. Students who wetted their pants were told to dance on the stage to further shame them. Using them as examples to tell other students the result of sleeping during the course and loosening all muscles in the process. even the bladder.

The case is being looked into by the school. But chances are that nothing would be done. SAJC principal Mrs Lim Chye Tin, fellow badminton-in-the-air-conditioned-hall player with the SAT director claims," This is a non issue. They save on the flushing water this way. Our bills are over the roof anyway."