Crapaper: The only news that concern us.

Girls Alert!

recently, there's been an outbreak of a new species of humans - Guys Awaiting Your Sympathy - or GAYS for short. this trend has been made worst with the singapore govt making National Service mandatory for all guys once they reach a certain age. Many have wondered why there is even the need for a defence force since singapore can hardly withstand a single bomb of military magnitude. and speculations often lead to answers, or "answers" at least. this is -of course- what crapaper thrives on.. "inaccurate news" but nonetheless, let us look at the possible aims of the govt in implementing national service and what external social effects it's actually causing..

a gracious society.
prior to the mandatory national service... there was only the barbarians and the girl-slaves. guys do not know how to treasure the girls and treat the fairer gender as just another commodity easily available off the streets - 3 for a dollar. then comes national service and the men start realising the importance of women to them after severe deprivation and hence treat the ladies on the street with more respect.
BUT.
what the govt did not expect was the extent of change. instead of barbarians, now singapore has truckloads of G.A.Y.S. who try to get sympathy from the ladies before, during, and after their NS. they will say anything to portray their army life as one of torture and suffering under some depraved bastards whom they will call "sir" just to avoid getting skewered. one may wonder how some people who havent even got enlisted can tell their female friends that they'll be suffering living hell JUST to get the girls to weep for them. This constant demand for sympathy has definitely caused the guys in singapore to become wussies subconsciously. Girls.. pls help in the cause and IGNORE the guys.

pro-creation.
another school of thought believes that the govt actually has bigger motives behind national service - economic motives. more specifically, they're trying to facilitate their pro-creation policy that's being heavily emphasized at the moment with baby bonus and longer maternity leave to compliment the campaign as well. (provided the ppl dun abandon the babies and the mother has a low enough contribution towards the economy that the country makes a net economic profit even if the govt provides longer maternity ,leave. ie, smart women shld not give birth since their babies might be stupid, whereas women with a generally lesser ability shld give birth since there's a better chance the baby would do well in future.) HOW is NS directly linked to pro-creation, one might asked. since it makes perfect sense that NS would mean lesser time for interaction between the male and the female population in singapore. Well.. the govt had that covered (as always). because national service is served at age 18 or 19, there is actually a lesser chance that the guys being enlisted is already married, so chances for "intimate interaction" is not really a problem. (and if u HAVE to argue, they DO provide that occasional weekend breaks, don't they?) The main aim of the govt here is to match up the guys with the girls of singapore such that as little as possible is left out. besides Social Development Unions (and some might say.. Schools), the govt is engaging in a multi-pronged approach towards the problem. by depriving the guys of the girls during the national service period, the govt forsees that guys gets more desperate when they are finally... "unleashed" into the outside world. hence now, girls that previously don't stand a chance at getting married in their lifetime are suddenly transformed into valuable assets to be pursued after. How brilliant is the govt. and then u turn to look at ur wife and u realise WHY u actually married her.
BUT.
the govt forgot to consider that some guys really DO become gays (as in homosexuals, literally, not referring to wussies!!) after two and a half years in NS. which explains why now NS is only 2 years and not 2.5 years. of cos "desperation level" might have dropped, but i suppose its already been calculated to be the Optimum level. might even have a term for it : homo-despo-ratio optimality? buts that's gotta be classified.

The Queen Never Dies.

question: if william hill is a bookmaker, what would he make? no? it's definitely NOT books. He makes money! from who would win the US presidential elections, to who would win the election to become the US state of chicago's bushisagoodleader town's buffalomonkey university's head of department of lavatory cleanliness. from what britney spears would (not) wear to the grammies, to who brad pitt would date next. from when THE QUEEN would die, to when tony blair finally disagrees with america. anything and everything, so long as there's 2 or more possible outcomes. (notice, the word is 'possible', not 'probable'... because the queen never seems to die and the only "negative" words tony blair would use on any US policy are "i do NOT doubt that they are always right, they are NEVER wrong")

William Hill has a few new wager on offer: of course, "when will china finally bomb taiwan????" punters are watching this one really closely due to the recent Chinese talks abt wanting to pass an "anti-secession law" that will allow themselves to attack taiwan "legally". one wonders what difference it actually makes since the 3 basic consideration of this conflict remains the same. china wanting to whack taiwan and telling USA to stay out of it, claiming peaceful means only a last resort; taiwan daring china to whack her knowing USA won't stay out of it, citing interest in peaceful means ONLY if they are granted independence; and USA telling China she won't meddle UNLESS there is a need - ironically there really isnt a "need" for her to be involved unless china starts a war with taiwan- and claiming peaceful means is the only way to go. William Hill is offering 3 other betting options for the eager pundits... mainly irrelevant to the recent issue itself.

"will china ever wake up and accept the fact that they can never get back taiwan"
"will taiwan ever have enough guts to declare independence"
"will USA ever stop being so diplomatic and say it straight to the Chinese that "taiwan is under our wings"

one of the catch of the above bets is that all the "NO" options are not on offer and punters can only bet on the "yes" option and the ticket is valid for only a period of 5 years, or until they actually win the bet. NOW u know how William Hill makes money. (of cos, shld they ever lose on any of the bets, they can always bank on the QUEEN outliving everyone else and hence profiting from it.)


Well, sometimes William Hill loses money. When tilted bets like "will a nation drink its own pee" or "will 2 planes crash into 2 separate buildings within an hour" go awry following the newater project and the 9-11 incident, william hill had had to suffer major losses after they offered really high odds to attract punters into betting on the seemingly-impossibles. One does suspect that maybe, just maybe, Mr Go Chop Tom, the former prime minister of sinapore, actually invested heavily on that bet using national reserves and then after that make his people drink Pee, thereby injecting large funds into singapore's diminishing reserves following 5 years of budget deficit. or perhaps, osama was just another avid punter and he only wanted the money. one day if the QUEEN gets assassinated, its pretty obvious why. but then again... the QUEEN never dies. or does she?


-ivan -